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Current Music:"Her Most Beautiful Smile"
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Subject:Guess who's back
Time:12:42 am
Current Mood:thoughtfulthoughtful
Man.....I really haven't been here in a while. Heh, anyone miss me? I guess I can give a bit of a recap on the last say......4 months. Don't worry I'll just hit the high points (so to speak). I've been depressed (and brought out by the Lord.........Praise Him because He is definately worthy :D ), I was nominated to the homecoming court here at ECU (I didn't win, but boy was it an experience), I've finally gotten back into being able to go to Isshinryu regularly (our ECU Open Tournament is on April 16th and I can't wait).....to be honest some things kinda just happened along the way, if that makes sense. I've done a lot of growing up, but there's still plenty more for me to learn (like how to cook! LOL). But...just because I've matured some I haven't lost the big kid or my love for God & other people.

I'm really just thankful for everything......good and bad that's been going on in my life. There may be some things that I'd like to change.....but hey there's a time for everything ya know. Anyway.....I know this is really short and all over the place, but I just wanted to write a lil somethin in here to let everyone know I'm still alive....and not only that but that I'm BLESSED! :D And I really & truly hope that each person reading this is too. Call it cliche if you want.....but I am praying for you and if there's somethin you want prayer for.....drop me a line here. Believe me, prayer is a truly amazing gift so how could I not share it? :)

Well.....off I go. Stay blessed folks and I promise I'll be back here soon to let ya know about my adventures here on the battlefield of life. :)
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Current Music:"Make Me Over" - Tonex'
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Subject:The Sonrise.....
Time:08:21 pm
Current Mood:relaxedrelaxed
Psalm 34:17-22

"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He guards all his bones; Not one of them is broken. Evil shall slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous shall be condemned. The Lord redeems the soul of His servants, and none of those who trust in Him shall be condemned."


And for anyone who doesn't know the song I'm talking about....

You know my other side
I can no longer hide
I let you down so many times
Sin freshly crucifies
I thought that I had a plan
I had it all figured out
But the more that you tried to be by my side
The more that I pushed you out

Chorus:
Lord make me over
Lord make me over
Lord make me over
Make me over again

Time after time I've failed you
Pierced your side when they already nailed you
Jesus heal my open wounds
I just wanna be more like you
Father I let you down
What's not like you
Jesus take it out
Reconcile me Jesus
I just wanna please you
Wash me and make me whole

Chorus:
Lord make me over
Lord make me over
Lord make me over
Make me over again
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Current Music:"Change the World" - P.O.D.
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Subject:Today's Thought of the Day
Time:09:30 am
Today's thought had to be linked since it was too big to go in the AIM away message thingy. It's something that came across reading "Who I Am In Christ"....it's an excerpt from "The Velveteen Rabbit". It really touched me and I hope it touches someone else too.

"What is real?" asked the Rabbit one day. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you when a child (any person) loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once like being wound up?" he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesnt happen all at once. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or have to be carefully kept. Generally by the time you are real, most of your hair has been loved off, your eyes drop out, and you get loose in the joints, and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."


Think on it & be blessed....
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Current Music:"Anything Right" - P.O.D.
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Subject:An outcast amongst outcasts
Time:08:55 am
Current Mood:awakeawake
This morning while I was working out I had the weirdest thought.....could it be that I'm an outcast among those who themselves are outcasts from the world? Sometimes I feel like I have some kind of plague or that something's wrong with me because, at least lately, everyone for the most part, just sorta rushes away from lil ole me. Oh well.....perhaps it's a season for me to be to myself....if so then it's for the best. To close I leave this...

"Outcast" - P.O.D.

I'm an outcast but don't count me out

Underground dwellers roaming beneath the cellars failed us with this system ain't living how they tell us
Hideaway place it's safe they raise a nation of hate
erase a man for his faith

They feed us lies dress up my king in false disguise
behind those eyes soul of a savior I recognize no compromise now the whole world becomes corrupt
Tonight we break the surface of lies we coming up

Chorus: Brother take my hand
let's separate ourselves
and leave behind this place
don't ever look back

Disgraced man survivors of the wasteland
looking for a home of his own with no place to run and no place to hide well it's time for you to stand on your own Militia coalition not of this world resistance we the alliance
we freedom fighters it's honor we defend
we follow truth and never your trends

Chorus

I'm an outcast but don't count me out
Brace yourself like a man
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Current Music:"You Are My Life" - Fred Hammond
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Subject:A painful & necessary process....
Time:07:36 pm
Current Mood:indifferentindifferent
Well it's been a lil bit since I've used this thing hasn't it. To be honest I've been writing in the private part quite a bit (I gotta vent somewhere). Life here has been so crazy lately. I finally got to turn in my first project in my RA class last Thursday and this upcoming Thursday I have two tests to look forward to. As far as being an RA in itself, I'm slowly getting used to it, although there's been a few times where it's come into contact with personal wants....but on the other hand it is a job. I've had to turn down invites to go out with a friend the last two weeks due to it....but then again the person who I'd like to go hang out/spend time with seems to be ducking and dodging me quite a bit. *shrug* No worries.....what's gonna happen will happen so I'm not sweating it.....a plan can be set but since we do have free will it can change at any moment. Life is, after all, choice driven.

On a better note, I did get a chance to talk with my brother Henry this afternoon. I thank God for my brothers....whenever I'm feeling all alone they're there to let me know I'm not the only one goin through and that they've got my back. Talking to him helped out some since I was able to really try and get a handle on what I'm feeling/what's going on with me. I really hope that I don't end up putting up a total ice wall.....but when all you get is cold...I guess it makes you yourself cooler in response to it. That's happening to me now....I just don't want it to go too long or too far...which is possible because I know me. Like I told Henry, it's all a process. I thank God for the strength that is a family blessing, but man....the things I have to go through in order to keep it and make it stronger....

What do I do then? Do I give in to that old part of me, that wants to say exactly how I'm feeling in none the nicest way? Nope....I can't and I won't. It's there and trying to come out but I come against it in Jesus' name. I was fine & blessed long before this started....and I'll be blessed regardless of the outcome. It's not in my hands anymore because I've made the effort and done all I can do....Whatever Gods and wherever He wants to take it from here is fine by me. I just pray that if things ever do come back around full circle that I will be able to be the mature man of God and go forward instead of holding onto what I'm feeling now.

I can say this though....even though I've been going through pain and hurt left & right, it's been making me tougher. Funny, earlier I described fire (yes...fire) as something that was 'harsh, but necessary'.....the thing that sticks out the most in my mind is a sword. When it's being made the blacksmith has to get the materials, beat it into shape, then he places it into the fire to get rid of impurities and to strengthen it's form. The process is repeated many, many times until finally it's molded into what he invisioned and planned it to be. It's now fit to be used for the purpose that he made it for.....for the cause he made it. So.....through it all I have to keep that in mind....no matter how dark it seems, or how much hope has been lost...
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Current Music:"So Easy to Love You" - Bishop Garlington (in my head)
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Subject:Level up
Time:02:26 pm
Current Mood:happyhappy
Wow...it's been a crazy weekend. Nuff said. LOL. In the course of a day and a half, God has worked out and changed something that was really giving me some trouble. I wouldn't call it a problem per se, but I'd called it a challenge since the beginning and now that it's over it most definately is. And now this weekend I'll finally get to see my family. This whole series on families that Pastor O'Neal has been teaching on has been a bit of a humbling time for me, among other things. I'm finally starting to really see things about my family, and my parents, especially my dad, that I never really looked at before. It really just makes me feel a lil bad for all the things I've done and said over the years. Thankfully there's still time to make things right and to really get a fresh and new start. I just KNOW that this weekend God is going to do something so awesome and wonderful in my family. It's gonna be a sign AND a wonder to everyone who knows us....I'm speaking and claming that right now.

Honestly, I just feel like I'm a giant sponge these days, just soaking up & taking in the things of God from everywhere and everything around me. I've been seeing and learning quite a bit about myself this past week and it's funny because I know that in time past some of it I would have doubted or not listened to at all. But I guess it all really hit home the other night while I was talking to my dad and he said that "You're a man now...". I mean I've heard other people say it for years but unless I'm mistaken that was the first time he'd ever said that to me. At the time I brushed it off, but in retrospect it means a lot to me. Especially with everything about families and how the father speaks over his children, telling them the good & bad he sees in them and how so much depends on that aspect and role of a man. I'd even corrected people and told them that I was just a 'young man' (which I am) but....I really do feel I'm getting closer to being a "man" in the sense of a Godly man.

It's just amazing to think about it. God has put all these wonderful people in my life and they've all been here at the right times when I needed them (big shouts to Tha MOG....I don't know what I'd do without my brothers....probably lose my mind...you fellas are the best a guy could ask for), and now He's placed someone extra special there who's purpose I'm still not 100% sure of (which goes vice-versa) but there is an idea. I will say this though, no matter what I want whatever God wants to happen between us to happen, in His time, not ours. Only time and prayer will tell, but in the meantime....it's just 'one day at a time'. It's also funny how the Holy Spirit will prompt things in me. Like today on the way to lab (which is where I am now) I got a bit of a Word about frats & soros. And it's not the first time that's happened. The first time, that I can think of, was after Pirate Palooza. LOL It had a title and everything.....I wish I would have written it down but I can recall a good bit of it. "The Witness Protection Program" That's what it was called. Funny enough, a certain someone wrote a devotion about it today. Let me tell ya, it's strange getting used to being on one accord with someone a lot of the time. It really feels like almost a mental link (come on...I know you've read a few comic books) but it's deeper. We were sitting last night in some silent worship (thanks to an AMAZING Holy Ghost inspired worship CD I made....praise Him!) and I could feel it....the connection was there, a tangible feeling there where our hands met. I even let go and then held her hand again to see if it was there and it was.......of course, being the person I am, I asked her and she could feel it too. Then we prayed together for a student in Paris' hall who was sick. Honestly, I know it was nothing but God using me because I've prayed like I did, but never like that in front of or in the company of anyone else, at least not that I can recall.

The New Breed is definately stepping it up on all sides.....God is gonna move all over this campus this year. There's no more us/them, just all His children coming together to do His work. AWE-SOME......that's my God.
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Current Music:"Your Word" - Tonex' (in my head)
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Subject:A Quickie
Time:02:28 pm
Current Mood:resolute
Here's a quick update of a few things while I'm sitting here in my lab waiting to take a quiz.

- I got the things that were up yesterday straightened out
- A few conversations that needed to be had, have been partially had which has brought about a decision from me
- It's a lil painful to have lots of people around who offer something.....except the one person that you want it from
- I overslept today.....LOL
- I had a blast eatting lunch with Gloria today.....looks like I found someone to chill with on Tues/Thurs afternoon around lunchtime (heh, remember when it rains it pours)
- I wish I could go see I,Robot tonight but I can't because of my RA class :(
- Tomorrow after prayer & the men's meeting I'm headin to town commons.....depending on how my time alone tonight goes, how tomorrow goes, and if the person wants to spend time with me.....I may go alone to just relax, although for once I wouldn't mind company
- I wonder if saying that I like all those things & would love to have them is being the stereotypical, ego-driven male....
- God's peace is amazing....and the comfort He gives overrides any worry

Took the quiz.....it was the first one & I got a 75 on it....not bad but a good place to start to move up

I know I can be selfish sometimes....but not so much to the point where I would rather have something I want & have it jeopardize someone's walk with Christ. No matter how I feel, I'd rather she stay & help him....At least then maybe we could get past this typical standoffish, almost coldness. Would this be considered pushing her away? I'm not sure....it's hard to assure yourself of something over and over when actions point otherwise, despite what you or are reasonably sure of. Heh....guess that's where faith comes in...even so, like Lyric said "If it's meant to be, it'll be..."
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Current Music:Hums of computers in the lab
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Subject:Calmer heads
Time:03:37 pm
Current Mood:calmcalm
I got a talking to from Renee.....if this keeps up I think she might start to think badly of me (I'll try not to hold people to the same expectations as I do myself....it's hard tho). She's so grounded and even though I really don't want to hear what she says she always brings the Word, straight, hard and cutting deep. I was able to overcome pride once and do something I wasn't going to, so hopefully I can again and I pray that nothing has been irrepairably damaged. I was bored here in lab and found something on my sister Paris' online journal that jumped at me.

"Healing is a supernatural move of God that crosses natural law to bring about spiritual soundness”

~Bishop Rosie O’Neal


........that says it all I think. Man...I guess I can still be that same hot-headed jerk that I used to be. I'll be glad when I'm out of here so I can find out what's what.....
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Current Music:"Ghetto" & "Masterpiece Conspiracy" - P.O.D.
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Subject:Starin into the looking glass....
Time:12:18 pm
Current Mood:pensivepensive
People really can throw you for a loop. Heh....it's a wonder sometimes why they act the way they do, surprising you both for good and bad. For those who don't know, last night while I was on duty I found out that my mom 'may' (I say may because I don't receive it in the spirit) be sick (at this point I don't feel like giving out the details....ask if you think I'll tell you). But, by the same token I, Brandon, still hurt in the flesh, I still feel the pain and sorrow knowing that my mother is going through this. Is it wrong for me to have doubts about my own strength? To wonder if I can get through this? I think maybe yes, maybe no......there's a part of me (in spirit) that knows I can, but I still actually HAVE to go through this. I've been told a zillion times that it's fine to have and show these emotions, so why is it if I'm not grinnin from ear to ear everytime someone see's me somethings wrong? YES! SOMETHING IS WRONG!!! Geez....I really don't feel like talking about it now.....where was everyone when I needed someone to talk to last night? HUH....so I don't see why you want to come at me & smother me today. Just leave me in 'starin off in space in another world' and let me get through this. I'm getting a better & better feel for this kind of thing and the only way I'll know for sure if I can do it alone is if I do. It may come off soundin wrong and mean......but this is the kind of thing that you get one shot at in my book b/c I try my best to be there for anyone when they need me.....guess I shouldn't expect it in return. I do want to say thanks to a few people.....hopefully they know who they are....especially a much needed, though not really wanted at the time, hug. Words can't say how much that meant to a huggy/touchy person like me. Oh, and for the record.....when I say alone, I don't mean me alone...I mean me and God because I know I can count on Him.

I guess I've said about enough for now....my string of thoughts has left for the moment and now I'm gonna walk around campus runnin errands with CD player pumpin....lata
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Current Music:"It Is Well With My Soul" - Crystal Lewis
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Subject:Timing is everything
Time:01:04 pm
Current Mood:calmcalm
That was the subject for my thought of the day today.....it's something that Pastor O'Neal has talked on and lately has been a big part of my life. It's so exciting and amazing to have God show you a piece of the plan He has for your life, I know it has been for me. Even with that knowledge though, that doesn't necessarily mean that it's supposed to happen right then. It's kinda like opening up a book that's divided into 3 main parts (yeah not chapters :P) and reading only a chapter out of the second part, or at least that's the best way I can explain it. That's been the lesson I'm learning right now, at least one of them anyway. I was thinking today while I was walking to class, and there's a reason why I keep getting stuck in these situations where someone has to make a choice. I think what I'm supposed to learn here is that it isn't about what I want when I want it. It's kinda bad that it's taken me this long to learn it. Third time's a charm though, at least that's what they say.....and I don't plan on missing the lesson this time.

It is a bit weird though....but then again LOL I guess you get what you ask for. Man....God is good. I said I wanted to know and so I found out. And the funny thing about it is that I tried to brush it off and ignore it for a while. Man....sometimes, no a lot of the time I wonder how God puts up with us. Guess that's why He's God, cuz He's that good and awesome. Needless to say....I've got a bit of a new and improved outlook on time given the last few days....not my time but seasons.....God's time. I think that's about it for now.....don't really want to give out too much info, but those who are around know exactly what I'm talking about. I do wanna say that the flesh wants to just jump up and go on to the next but like I said....gotta keep Time (capital T = God's time) forever in mind.
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[icon] Notes from the Battlefield.....
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